dilllpickle

i miss hugging you all the time. it felt so good to get a big bear hug from you today. but you're dumb, and picked her over me. sucks for you, cause i'm better than her. and i'm not even trying to be all cocky or anything, dude she is just a straight up bitch. have fun with that, pal.
meanwhile in st. louis, this fucker gets a girlfriend a week before i'm supposed to go there. fuck it. i guess it's not mean to happen.
i don't know how to feel. what the fuck is going on with everything right now? jesus christ.

duuuude, summer is like over. tonight's my last friday. and i'm sitting at home blogging, lol. i'm tryin ta find da partyyyyy, where dey attt?!
this summer had fucking flown byyyy, jeeez.

everyone at whiting knows i'm a stoner now. haha, that sucks.

i need to go to maplewood, missouri ASAP!

there's a few of them that make me so giddy, it's retarded. lmao, jeeez i am ridiculous :D

"how's it gonna feel when summmmmer ends? out of money, out of friendssss"

we're too different. maybe too much has happened. do i even still like you?
amanda's got me thinking..

amanda and amber left me this morning to go back home. technically, yesterday morning, but whatever. i'm sad. those girls know me better than anyone, and maybe patty too. but it's different with these two. maybe cause we only see eachother a few days a year. god, i have so much fun with them. i just want to go to my old house in maplewood, and lay in my old room. and talk on the phone with amanda like i always use to do. i miss the old days. i hate growing up but i love it at the same time. moving is what sucks. i'm so thankful to have met all these amazing people, it just sucks having to say goodbye. and it's hard to stay in touch. i say i want to move to maplwood again. but i think i'm just never gonna be happy with where i'm at.
when i lie, it's because i have to keep someone elses secret. it's kinda fucked up actually. you'll find out one of these days my darling..maybe. just please let me have fun and don't bitch at me. i know right from wrong. i know how far is too far. i got it. i promise we'll still be best friends. just lighten up, or something.
on the bright side, i've lost like eleven or twelve pounds since a little after summer started. now just ten more to go!
exactly one week ago was pretttty crazy. out of character for me, haha. whatever, i had fun. i don't regret it. i don't regret anything.

the biggest thing that scares me is my parents/grandparents dying. what will i do? my papa is already like a million years old, and i'm scared to go see him at the nursing home because everytime i go he just looks worse and worse. and the last time i went i don't think he even knew who i was. at least my mimi is hot and in pretty good shape. i don't ever want to lose her, oh god. and my moms mom and her boyfriend are moving to california really soon, so i doubt i'll ever see them again, either. when my mom goes, part of me will go with her. my mom is seriously my best friend. i love her sooo much. is it wrong for me to be thinking about this?
i'm so lucky to have what i have. i'm so happy. sometimes i just get scared of the future.

i wish i was drunk.

my heart beats so fast when i think about that night. and i smile.
i don't know. i just want you to know i had fun. thanks :)

last night was like my first real fun night of summer in whiting. it was risky :p
oh, and i love the bonfires at tommys house more than anything in the world.

that's all i can ever say right not, is for fuck sake. damnit, people fucking piss me off.

i just need to be an adult already. i already act like one, for the most part :p haha not really, but i mean everything sure would be easier if i was like 22, haha.

things still are going st00pidly, i'm not letting it get to me though. not until i've got his final answer, then i'll come crashing down.

that's pure happiness right there, good times.
i got my permit today! :)
now i'm just gonna sit here, eat my chicken nuggets, and watch the rain...

i don't know what else i can do to try and prove to you that i'm better.
and to anyone who reads these bullshit blogs i post, sorry that i have nothing better to write about than my sucky love life, and other crap. i really am sorry, aha.

what is wrong with the world and the people in it? how could you kill another human being? and just take their life and everything they have away from them? it's unbelievable to me.
i didn't really know jordan, but RIP. i know him and alex were friends :/
life is so fucking fragile. like it's crazy. poor jordan didn't know that today was his last day on earth. i'm sure he wanted to do so many other things :/
gangs and hardcore drugs like that shit is so fucking stupid too.
i don't even know what to say dude.
this is so fucked up. right in katis backyard pretty much...
RIP alex and jordan <333

"i know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends"

alright, so kati got me to get a twitter, and i must say, i like it.
i'm still a confused teenage girl. and i don't see any change in the near future.
my moms gooood friend, and my pretty much aunt laura has discovered the love of my life. i have yet to meet him, but he looks pretty bad ass. and i'm gonna spend the summer with him, ahah. he'll probably fuck me over somehow too :p i really don't give a shit anymore, i'm not sure if that's good or bad. probably bad, but whatever. i just wanna listen to playradioplay and taylor swift for like, the rest of the month, and eat ice cream, heal up, ya know? and then everything will be alright, i hope. i just need to get myself in linnnnnnnnnnne.
BYE.

don't fucking call me that, ahah. i'm still pissed off, and upset, and everything else.

today has been the greatest fucking day of my life so far. i met william beckett! and, AND he called me 'cutie'! yeah, that's right! holy shit, i don't know what to even fucking say!